“Mom, he’s obviously you favorite.”
Once again two of my teens confront me about my relationship with my middle child, and once again I deny favoritism telling them that I love them all equally. But, in examining their comment I realize that they’re right. My middle child is my favorite.
He’s my favorite because of his tender heart, his innocent nature and his willingness to help without ever complaining. He’s my favorite because he loves his twin sister and adores his older brother. He’s my favorite because he hangs on to our every word, interested in us and what we have to say.
I continue to think about their comment and realize that no, my favorite is my oldest son. Not only is he my first born, he is kind and compassionate, fearless and adventurous. He is a great role model to his younger siblings, often helping out with “parental” responsibilities including carpool. He’s my favorite because he makes me laugh, even in the midst of an argument.
But hold on, wait a minute . . . my favorite child is my daughter. My “baby girl” is sweet and sassy, sensible and wise. She’s fiercely determined and like me, has a mind of her own. She is my shopping buddy, my chick flick companion. She’s my favorite because she’s the “go to” person in the family . . . this child knows everything.
Each one of my children is my favorite. I don’t love them similarly, I love them separately. I love them for their individual personality. I love them for the way each one touches my heart. So why do my two teens complain? Perhaps it’s because of how I show my children my love.
Each child has different needs and parents respond accordingly. An independent and more mature teen doesn’t need nor does he want a lot of direction. I don’t have to ask my daughter if she has her dance equipment or needs cafeteria money. I do, however make sure I’m there whenever she needs me, and even when she doesn’t. I’m at every performance, help make football posters and carefully plan out homecoming dance accessories. If one of my teens is exploring college options, I’m there to take him on the college tour, ask appropriate questions and obviously foot the bill.
Loving teens, like raising teens requires understanding the person. Know who your teenager is and if you have to, ask him what he needs. By recognizing and embracing the positive characteristics of each child you begin to foster increased self-esteem and security. You raise productive citizens who are prepared to provide service. They become everyone’s favorite child.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Shopping With my Daughter
I love shopping with my daughter – until we get down to purchasing that special dress for that special event. This weekend I took my fifteen year old daughter to buy a dress for the dance team banquet. Oh, yes it was a lot of fun. . . Every dress I picked out was a “mommy dress” and oh so boring. Her favorite choice, in my maternal opinion, was too casual and too floral for this event.
I remember shopping with my mother in the 70’s. Fashions were changing and when I wanted to buy the bare back top with matching hot pants, it caused quite a commotion. It took some compromising and I walked out of the mall with a coordinating hot pants set, faded blue pants and a ruffled red top. It was that’s season favorite.
There’s something about teenage fashions and moms. Generations come and go and daughters and mothers continue to clash on the subject of fashion. I want to believe it doesn’t have anything to do with living vicariously. I’ve been fifteen before and no, I don’t want to go there again.
Instead I believe it has everything to do with independence and power. Deep down I knew, when shopping with my mother, that a bareback halter top wouldn’t be the most practical blouse to buy. I didn’t want to give my mother the power or satisfaction of being right. I was my own person making my own choices. On the other hand, when shopping with my daughter, as much as I wanted to help I felt frustrated over my powerlessness. Like me many years ago, my daughter was going to make her decision and my opinion was no longer important.
And, so the floral dress it was. We bought the dress, took it home and after speaking to her peers, she decided she needed a more formal dress to wear – one already in her closet. Imagine that. My daughter looked lovely at the banquet tonight. Her father and I were proud of the young lady that she is.
Next week she wears the floral dress to her friend’s graduation. Off we go to buy new shoes . . . I love shopping with my daughter.
I remember shopping with my mother in the 70’s. Fashions were changing and when I wanted to buy the bare back top with matching hot pants, it caused quite a commotion. It took some compromising and I walked out of the mall with a coordinating hot pants set, faded blue pants and a ruffled red top. It was that’s season favorite.
There’s something about teenage fashions and moms. Generations come and go and daughters and mothers continue to clash on the subject of fashion. I want to believe it doesn’t have anything to do with living vicariously. I’ve been fifteen before and no, I don’t want to go there again.
Instead I believe it has everything to do with independence and power. Deep down I knew, when shopping with my mother, that a bareback halter top wouldn’t be the most practical blouse to buy. I didn’t want to give my mother the power or satisfaction of being right. I was my own person making my own choices. On the other hand, when shopping with my daughter, as much as I wanted to help I felt frustrated over my powerlessness. Like me many years ago, my daughter was going to make her decision and my opinion was no longer important.
And, so the floral dress it was. We bought the dress, took it home and after speaking to her peers, she decided she needed a more formal dress to wear – one already in her closet. Imagine that. My daughter looked lovely at the banquet tonight. Her father and I were proud of the young lady that she is.
Next week she wears the floral dress to her friend’s graduation. Off we go to buy new shoes . . . I love shopping with my daughter.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
He's back! Oh . . . he's back.
It seems like just yesterday that we dropped off our son at college yet last night, after a successful year away, he returned home for the summer. Excited to see him, I plunged into helping him unpack and started washing weeks of dirty laundry. This week’s grocery list includes his favorite foods and we’ve made family plans that include him. He’s a delightful young man and a huge part of this family. I have missed him so much and count my blessings that he’s home. So why am I reluctant to embrace his presence?
A year ago my son was seven-teen years old, a Senior in High School with a midnight curfew. He had chores to do and a limited allowance. If rules were broken he was grounded or privileges were removed. Today he returns a more mature young adult. He has been independent for the past year, hasn’t had to tell anyone where he’s going and what time he’s coming home. Still, I begin to notice habits that I had put behind me. Towels on the bathroom floor, socks in the living room and shirts in the kitchen. Sound familiar?
So how do you handle the college student returning home for the summer? I came up with a short list sure to make us have a stress free summer.. I hope this helps you and your college student.
Set a curfew that’s respectful to all involved. Although he’s home for the summer, other people in the home continue to work and have early wake up calls.
Begin a dialogue about his contribution to home and family. He, along with others in the home, will share in household responsibilities.
Together talk about age appropriate consequences.
Encourage your college student to get a summer job. Most recruiters will hire a college graduate with work experience and a decent GPA over one with an exceptional GPA and no work experience.
Most important, make the most of your time together, August is around the corner and soon he’s off to school again.
A year ago my son was seven-teen years old, a Senior in High School with a midnight curfew. He had chores to do and a limited allowance. If rules were broken he was grounded or privileges were removed. Today he returns a more mature young adult. He has been independent for the past year, hasn’t had to tell anyone where he’s going and what time he’s coming home. Still, I begin to notice habits that I had put behind me. Towels on the bathroom floor, socks in the living room and shirts in the kitchen. Sound familiar?
So how do you handle the college student returning home for the summer? I came up with a short list sure to make us have a stress free summer.. I hope this helps you and your college student.
Set a curfew that’s respectful to all involved. Although he’s home for the summer, other people in the home continue to work and have early wake up calls.
Begin a dialogue about his contribution to home and family. He, along with others in the home, will share in household responsibilities.
Together talk about age appropriate consequences.
Encourage your college student to get a summer job. Most recruiters will hire a college graduate with work experience and a decent GPA over one with an exceptional GPA and no work experience.
Most important, make the most of your time together, August is around the corner and soon he’s off to school again.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
I'm taking Mother's Day weekend to evaluate my relationship with my three teenage children. How am I doing, parenting these three lively and very different teenagers? Each with his/her own personality, each one with his/her own agenda . . .and each wanting my full attention!
Well I think I have to say not too bad. You see I’ve learned to pick my battles. I can live with messy bedrooms, backpacks on the floor and an occasional “Stop Mom, you’re embarrassing me.” But communication is key and no matter what stage of emotional development each child is at, if I want to improve my ability to connect with them, I have to step back and ask myself who is this person and what do I know about him/her.
Somewhere between the age of ten and fifteen my children have become uncharacteristically moody. In their need to declare their independence they pull me into their lives one minute and push me away another. In one breath I can go from being their BFF, great listener, cool confidant to nosey, meddling mom. I’m happy to report that our eight-teen year old son is back! Not only did patience and respect return this child to his original state, he returned with the values my husband and I have been teaching him since he was a child.
Regardless of their intent teenagers often make mistakes that hurt their parents and I’ve realized that it’s not about us. I’ve found it helpful to step back and try to understand the reasons for their behavior. I’ve also committed to love my children unconditionally and that involves separating the teen from the behavior. “I don’t love what you’ve done but I do love you.”
I know that with all the challenges and confusion that teens face these days they need the feeling of safety that only structure can provide. So at the risk of being unpopular parents, we set uncompromising standards with a great degree of supervision.
Most important my teens know that I love them. I convey love not just by telling them but by being present, by listening to what they have to say and by attempting to understand how they’re feeling about this challenging journey that is life.
By and large I’m doing well. I’m proud of the opportunity that I’ve been given to raise these terrific teens. Happy Mother’s Day you’al!
Well I think I have to say not too bad. You see I’ve learned to pick my battles. I can live with messy bedrooms, backpacks on the floor and an occasional “Stop Mom, you’re embarrassing me.” But communication is key and no matter what stage of emotional development each child is at, if I want to improve my ability to connect with them, I have to step back and ask myself who is this person and what do I know about him/her.
Somewhere between the age of ten and fifteen my children have become uncharacteristically moody. In their need to declare their independence they pull me into their lives one minute and push me away another. In one breath I can go from being their BFF, great listener, cool confidant to nosey, meddling mom. I’m happy to report that our eight-teen year old son is back! Not only did patience and respect return this child to his original state, he returned with the values my husband and I have been teaching him since he was a child.
Regardless of their intent teenagers often make mistakes that hurt their parents and I’ve realized that it’s not about us. I’ve found it helpful to step back and try to understand the reasons for their behavior. I’ve also committed to love my children unconditionally and that involves separating the teen from the behavior. “I don’t love what you’ve done but I do love you.”
I know that with all the challenges and confusion that teens face these days they need the feeling of safety that only structure can provide. So at the risk of being unpopular parents, we set uncompromising standards with a great degree of supervision.
Most important my teens know that I love them. I convey love not just by telling them but by being present, by listening to what they have to say and by attempting to understand how they’re feeling about this challenging journey that is life.
By and large I’m doing well. I’m proud of the opportunity that I’ve been given to raise these terrific teens. Happy Mother’s Day you’al!
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